Internet Book of Shadows, (Various Authors), [1999], at sacred-texts.com
1531 Weasel Wicca: a Toon Trad by fara Shimbo, Diane Darling and the European Land Otters (Green Egg, Issue 95, Yule '91, p. 21.) The Great Mothers of this tradition are Galanthus, who was turned into a weasel for lying to Juno; and Eris, both Goddess and Ferret incarnate, who are IN CHARGE. This is the Holy Sacred Oath of the Weasel Tradition: "I don'tbelieve anythingunless Iwant to.Mymind issubject to change within reason and without notification at any time. We will always have Paris. (But not paris of sox.) I can do without my socks. Other than that there are absolutely no absolutes." Sacred Objects of the Weasel tradition include: * A Floppy Witch Hat (double sided, single density) * The nearest operational refrigirator * Dirty Socks * Tubes made of cardboard or plastic * Rubber erasers and squeaky toys * Loud plastic bag and ping pong balls * The Golden Apple of Eris * Silk Top hat. In order tobe initiated into the WeaselTradition, a new ber- serker must: * Co-habit with a Ferret; at least one. *Acquireyourtoolsin asomewhatless-than-entirely-scrupul- ous manner- stopping short of Genuine Theft. Use your imagination. *Sacrifice aSock toGalanthus. Itmust bea goodSock, one you wouldn't otherwise throw away, and you must have the other one in your possession. * Bake some holyFhood, with Weasel Help,which includes raisins and chocolate chips. *Write aritual containingat leastthree thingswhich are obviously or blatantly lifted, word for word, from somewhere else. Anywhere else. * Let a weasel lick your lips while you sing: The Weasel Help Song: Everyone needs Weasel help, Weasel Help, Weasel Help Everyone needs Weasel help, to get them through the day! I don't need no Weasel Help, Weasel Help, Weasel Help, I don't need no Weasel Help, no matter what you say! The Sacred Holidays of the Weasel tradition are any holidays which have even the slightest thing to do with Fhood. 1532 A Weasel Wiccan Witual ====================== Participants infloppy witch hatsenter, bearing theHoly Fhood and Drinkh. Arrange tastefuly around altar area. Prominent should be the Golden Apple of Eris, which is set upon the altar by itself. Call Watchtowers, lighting quarter candles at each. Suggestion invocations: EAST,being Air,signifies mediaand masscommunications. Invite the Marx brothers, Firesign Theatre, Douglas Adams, and Robert Anton Wilson, and, of course, the Illuminati, as representatives of Chaos. (Squeeze squeaky toys) SOUTH, for Fire, signifies fidelityto ideals. I suggest John Lennon and our witch ancestors, whose bravery in defense of the Sacred Right To Be Strange led to the ultimate sacrifice. May we be as brave, but luckier. (Hide the Matches.) WEST,for Water, signifies herethe Waters ofLife, ie: Bhooze. Invite W.C. Fields along with Dionysius and Osiris (inventors of wine and beer, respectively.) (Slug some eggnog.) NORTH, for Earth, signifies the Ultimate Mystery: Life, the Universe and Everything. Toast the Mystery itself and invite it to relax, take off its cloak and join us for awhile. (Hide a cookie.) And to provide a fifth point: SKY, for Eris, Our Mother,Lady Luck Herself, Lady of Chaos and Dealer of the Inside Straight. Hold up the Golden Apple, hail Her enthusiastically and invite Her to the party. Close theCircle, whichis,of course,semi-permiable toweasel-- kind. Lightaltarcandle; assume*ahem* seriousdemeanor. Whoeveris to read, don silk hat and drape a sock for a priest's vestement. Proceed: "For unto us is born a Saviour, who is Coyote, Pan, loki, Raven, Dionysius, and Robin Hood; to save us all from Santa's power when we have come to play, o tiding of chocolate and toys. And Io, neither is his Mother a Virgin, for She believeth in a good time. And when He came forth, She wrapped him in a National Enquirer and cradled him in her top hat, which holdeth all the stars of all the skies plus 500 foolproof card tricks; and the Wise came to Marvel (and to DC) because indeed and forsooth, they knew trouble when they beheld it." And Eris, the Great and Terrible, said to her son: "Kid, this is a special occasion; how should we celebrate?" And the TinyOne spoke, surprising all butthe Mother of the Unexpected: "let's have lots of Fhood, and create the most chaotic and demented animal of all to play with. And since I have a feeling that this party will be repeated many, many times, let's make that a rule: anyone celebrating My birthday should do the same. For I am the Glitch and the Song and the Gambler's Luck, and I love Surprises--which will never be lacking with Them around. Let them do this in honor of Me." 1533 And Eris was pleased and created The Weasel (hold one up). "This is the SacredWeasel, beloved little monster, honored pest, dearest of Holy Terrors and Agent of Entropy Everywhere. May it always remind us that Eris and the Kid love Surprises." (Holdup plateof cookies:)"This isthe HolyFhood; weshare it in Their names, and with the wish that we should always keep Life as interesting and strange as possible." (Hold upHoly Bhooze:)"This isthe HolySpikedEggnog; weshare in with the understanding that reality can always use a little bend- ing." Share all,generalhailing,toasts,silliness,woozlesnoozling, tricks and demonstration of weasel arranging. Guard honored guests of all species from overindulging in and/or diving into eggnog. Songs excellent idea. Open circle whenever you feel like it. ================================================================= Fara Shimbo, an ethologist living outside Boulder, Colorado with her husband Robert, ferret, Ruby, Siamese cat, mong, and Thoroughbred Hunter, Oficial Dude (AKA Chewie). She is main honcho of _Ferret unity and Registration Organization (FURO)_, a weasle warrior of reknown and author of "The Ferret Book" (see review GE83) and, with Bill Phillips, of _Ferrets and the New Inquisition_, published by the California Domestic Ferret Association (Box 1861, healdsburg, CA 95448. She is editor-in-chief of _The Weasle Help Monthly_, (wonderful!) newsmagazi- ne of FURO, available by joining FURO, PO Box 18193, greensboro, NC 27419. 1534
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