BELOVED OSHO,

I AM FEELING COMPLETELY HELPLESS ABOUT EVERYTHING -- LIFE, HEALTH, MEDITATION --  AND EVEN HELPLESS TO SURRENDER TOTALLY. EVERYTHING I CAN DO IS ALWAYS PARTIAL. UNCONSCIOUS FACTORS CONTROL MUCH AND MY EFFORTS AND ATTEMPTS AT NO-EFFORT ARE POWERLESS AGAINST THEM. I FEEL I WANT TO LEAVE IT ALL TO YOU BUT THAT TOO IS ONLY POSSIBLE AS MUCH AS I AM CONSCIOUSLY CAPABLE. AND THEN TOO I AM AWARE THAT THE ULTIMATE HAPPENING MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN IN THIS LIFE AND THAT I CANNOT ASK WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN IF I LEAVE IT TO YOU. CAN I JUST ADOPT AN ATTITUDE OF LEAVING IT TO YOU EVEN THOUGH I AM AWARE OF THE POSSIBILITY THAT THE HAPPENING COULD TAKE LIVES ANYWAY? IS THIS STILL SURRENDER EVEN THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENS AS A RESULT OF IT?

Three things: one, by 'total' I mean whatsoever is possible; I do not mean the whole. You cannot surrender the whole right now, because you are not the whole, so how can you surrender the whole? By 'total' I mean that which you can: don't withhold anything. That which you can: your whole capacity -- not your whole being because you are not that so how can you surrender it? But let all that you can do be included in the surrender.

It is going to be partial -- partial in the sense that your whole being will not be involved in it. You have an unconscious part. You cannot bring that into it; it is impossible for you. You do not even know what it is, where it is, how it functions and how it can be brought into the surrender. You cannot do it. Do not leave anything undone of whatsoever you can do. By 'total' I mean surrender with all your conscious capacity. Through this surrender, by and by, the inner being will come up and will be included in it.

In the beginning it can only be in this way. So do not wait until you are ready to surrender the whole being because then there will be no need to surrender -- because when you have already become whole there is no need to surrender. Surrender is a technique to become whole. So take a jump as you are and as much as you can; that is all.

Secondly, do not be worried about when it will happen. It can happen the next moment, it may not happen for lives together. It depends. It CAN happen the next moment. If your jump is intense, total, if you have put into it whatsoever you could, it can happen the next moment. But if you withhold something, then it will take time. It can take lives together. But even if it happens in many lives it is early because already you have been alive for millions of lives and it has not happened.

So even if it takes a few lives it is not too much; it is early. Do not be worried about it because even that worry will become a barrier to total surrender and that worry will create an inner condition. Knowingly or unknowingly you will be expecting it to happen soon. That will become a desire and that desire will become a barrier.

So do not think about what will happen; do not make a condition. Let it happen unconditionally. Say deeply within your heart, whenever it happens, "I am not." And if it does not happen, say, "Whether it happens or not I am still ready to surrender." Then it will happen very soon. It can happen in the very surrender itself; it may not take a single moment.

I will tell you one story, one very old Hindu parable. Two sannyasins are meditating under two trees, and Narada passes by. Narada is a messenger between the two worlds, 'this' and 'that'; he moves between both. He goes on carrying news from here to there and from there to here.

He passes the first monk who is very old, who is doing deep austerities and who has been working for salvation for many lives. The monk asks, "Narada, are you going to the other world? Then ask the divine how much time I still need, how much more time I will have to exist in this body. It is too much! I have been working for many lives. Now how much time is left for the ultimate transformation? Please ask it."

The way the old monk asks this is very tense, full of lust, full of conditions, as if he is complaining. He feels already he has been making arduous efforts for too many lives -- as if some injustice has been done to him. The tone, the very way, is of complaint.

Narada passes by the second tree. A young man is dancing there, singing, celebrating his ecstasy. He doesn't even look at Narada. Narada stands there. The young man sees him but he goes on dancing. So Narada himself asks him, "Don't you have any question? The other monk under your neighboring tree has asked. Would you like me to bring news for you too about when your salvation is going to happen?" The man goes on dancing and he doesn't say anything.

Narada goes to the other world. He comes back. He says to the old monk, "I asked God, and he said three lives more."

The old monk was chanting on his MALA, his beads. He threw away the beads and said, "Three lives more!" He got very angry and disappointed.

Narada reached the other tree. The young man was still dancing. Narada said, "Though you didn't ask me to ask, still I asked. But I am afraid to tell you, because that old man has thrown his beads and is so angry and disappointed. I am afraid to tell you!"

The young man said, "Still you can say it because whatsoever is, is blissful and whatsoever happens is good. You can tell me; do not be worried."

So Narada said, "I asked God and he said that you will have to be born as many lives as there are leaves on the tree under which you are dancing."

The young man became so full of ecstasy. He said, "Just this many leaves? So few? -- because the earth is so full of leaves, infinite leaves!" He again started dancing and it is said that immediately, that very moment, he disappeared from the earth.

This is surrender. This is total acceptance -- no complaints, no conditions, no expectations. Immediately he was liberated; that very moment he was liberated.