THE TANTRA VISION, VOL. 2
Chapter 4: Trust cannot be betraye, Question 2
MERCIFUL MASTER, IT IS NOT MAKING LOVE ANY MORE... I FEEL I AM IN A TEMPLE WITH YOU ALL OVER. AT THIS MOMENT I'M AWARE -- WHICH I NEVER WAS BEFORE I MET YOU. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT EVERY TIME -- FOR ME AND THE OTHER HALF. THANKING YOU IS NEVER ADEQUATE AT THAT MOMENT. AND YET WE SLIP BACK. HOW CAN WE TAKE OFF? HOW CAN I TAKE THE HELP OF THE WOMAN OUTSIDE TO BE UNITED WITH THE WOMAN INSIDE ME?
The question is from Anand Kul Bhushan.
The first thing: never think of the woman as 'the other half' -- she is not, neither are you. You are whole, she is whole. She is an individual and you are an individual. You are complete and she is complete.
That old attitude that the woman is the other half has proved a great disaster. The moment you start possessing -- it is a sort of possession -- the moment you start destroying the individuality of the other, you are destroying something of great value. It is uncreative. Never think about the woman as the other half -- she is not!
Two lovers are like two pillars in a temple. That's how Kahlil Gibran says it. They support the same roof, but they are aloof; they are not together. If the two pillars of the temple came very close, the temple would fall down: the roof would not be supported at all. Look at these pillars in the Chuang Tzu Auditorium; they stand aloof -- they support the same roof. So should lovers be -- aloof, individual, and yet supporting something in common.
The wife is not half of the husband, neither is the husband half of the wife. Neither the husband is surrendered to the wife, nor is the wife surrendered to the husband; they are both surrendered to the love god. Remember it -- it has proved really paralysing otherwise. Certainly man has not suffered much, because it is man's idea about woman that she is 'the other half'. He does not think that he himself is also the other half, no. It is man's idea that the woman is the other half. Man remains whole; the woman becomes the other half.
That's why after marriage the woman has to take the husband's name, not the husband. She disappears, she is destroyed. She is no longer a woman, she is a wife. The wife is an institution. The man still remains the man he was before. Something is added to the man, but something has been taken away from the woman -- this is ugly.
The other day I was reading the beautiful poem of a woman:
Tell me not about your love (She says to her lover)...
Tell me not about your love
I know it well
I've felt it in your glance
felt it from the lash of the whip
from out your tongue
Tell me not of your love
It is so fluid
It has drowned me
in its burning intensity
I have but few places left unscarred
The heat of your love has all but consumed my brain
The security of your love has rendered me
The gift of your love branded me bastard
The testimony of your love has imprisoned me
Your song of love has made me voiceless
I shall sing no more
I am no more
You have loved me into oblivion
Let me repeat: You have loved me into oblivion...
Then love has not proved much of love. It is a subtle way of domination. And when there is domination, love disappears. When there is possession, love disappears.
Please don't possess a woman and don't possess a man Possession, possessiveness is not love. Remember, the woman has to remain INTACT as an individual. Her freedom has not to be destroyed; her freedom has to be respected -- whatsoever it means. This is the Tantra vision: whatsoever it means -- unconditionally -- her freedom has to remain intact. If you really love her you will love her freedom too, and she will love your freedom.
If you love a person, how can you destroy his or her freedom? If you trust a person, you trust her or his freedom too.
One day it happened that a man came to me who was really in a mess, very miserable. And he said 'I will commit suicide.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'I trusted my wife and she has betrayed me. I had trusted her absolutely and she has been in love with some other man. And I never came to know about it until just now! I have got hold of a few letters. So then I inquired, and then I insisted, and now she has confessed that she has been in love all the time. I will commit suicide' he said.
I said 'You say you trusted her?'
He said 'Yes, I trusted her and she betrayed me.'
What do you mean by trust? -- some wrong notion about trust; trust also seems to be political.
'You trusted her so that she would not betray you. Your trust was a trick. Now you want to make her feel guilty. This is not trust.'
He was very puzzled. He said 'What do you mean by trust then, if this is not trust? I trusted her unconditionally.'
I said 'If I were in your place, trust would mean to me that I trust her freedom, and I trust her intelligence, and I trust her loving capacity. If she falls in love with somebody else, I trust that too. She is intelligent, she can choose. She is free, she can love. I trust her understanding.'
What do you mean by trust? When you trust her intelligence, her understanding, her awareness, you trust it. And if she finds that she would like to move into love with somebody else, it is perfectly okay. Even if you feel pain, that is your problem; it is not her problem. And if you feel pain, that is not because of love, that is because of jealousy.
What kind of trust is this, that you say it has been betrayed? My understanding of trust is that it cannot be betrayed. By its very nature, by its very definition, trust cannot be betrayed. It is impossible to betray trust. If trust can be betrayed, then it is not trust. Think over it.
If I love a woman, I trust her intelligence infinitely. And, if in some moments she wants to be loving to somebody else, it is perfectly good. I have always trusted her intelligence. She must be feeling like that. She is free. She is not my other half, she is independent. And when two persons are independent individuals, only then there is love. Love can flow only between two freedoms.
I understand Kul Bhushan's question. He has used this word other half' unconsciously. I have seen his love for his wife, I have seen his wife's love for him. They are not each other's halves, not at all; it is just an unconscious habit of using a word. But I wanted to make it clear.
The second thing: IT IS NOT MAKING LOVE ANY MORE... When love grows deep it becomes something else. When love does not grow it becomes something else. Love is a very delicate thing. If it does not grow, it becomes bitter, it becomes poisoned; it becomes hatred. It can even fall below hatred -- it can become indifference, which is the farthest from love.
Love is a hot energy. So is hate, hot. But indifference is cold, frozen. You can think about love and hate and indifference on this scale. Exactly between hate and love there is a zero point -- just like in a thermometer there is a zero point -- below it is coldness, above it is warmth. Love is warmth. That zero point is hatred, below it you become even more cold, more cold: you can become ice-cold -- indifferent. If love does not grow, it starts falling dowanwards. It has to move: love is energy; energy moves.
If it moves, soon you will find it is no longer love. It has become meditation, it has become prayer. That's the whole approach of Tantra: that if love grows rightly, if love is tended carefully, it becomes prayer. It becomes, finally, the ultimate experience of God.
Love is the temple of God. So people who live in indifference cannot know God. Indifference is the real atheism. People who live in a cold sort of way... Even the courts understand this: if somebody has been murdered in a hot way, the courts don't take it too seriously. If somebody has been murdered out of passion, then the courts take a lenient view of it. Then the murderer has not to be punished too severely -- it was just an act of passion; out of sudden rage it happened.
But the courts are very hard when there is a murder of cold calculation. The cold murderer is the most dangerous man. He prepares everything in detail. He thinks, broods, contemplates about it: he calculates. He moves in a very, very mechanical and efficient way; very skillfully he goes about his job. He has no heart, he is just cold.
The cold heart is the dead heart. The cold heart is the dead, dried; fossil heart. If love does not go higher, it will go lower. Remember, it cannot remain static -- that is the point to be understood. Love cannot remain in a stasic -- either it falls down or it goes up, but it goes. So if you really want to live a life of warmth, help love to grow.
Two persons fall in love; if their love does not immediately start becoming friendship, sooner or later there is going to be a divorce. Friendship should grow out of love, otherwise enmity will grow -- something is bound to happen. Love is an opening. Immediately start growing in friendship, otherwise enmity will grow -- something is bound to grow.
Love is fertile. If you are not sowing the seeds of beautiful flowers, then weeds will grow -- but something is bound to grow. When love really moves deeper, it becomes prayer. Then the whole quality is non-sexual. Then the quality is non-sensuous. Then you have a certain feeling of reverence for the other -- not sexual lust at all, but some awe. In the very presence of the other you start feeling something divine, something sacred. Your beloved becomes your goddess or your god.
... IT IS NOT MAKING LOVE ANY MORE... IF EEL I AM IN A TEMPLE WITH YOU ALL OVER. That's right, you are blessed. AT THIS MOMENT I AM AWARE -- WHICH I NEVER WAS BEFORE I MET YOU. The more love becomes prayer, the more awareness will happen -- just like a shadow.
This is my insistence: that if awareness happens, then in its shadow comes love; as the shadow comes love. If love happens, then as the shadow comes awareness. Either you grow in love or you grow in meditation, but the ultimate result is the same. Both come together: you try one and the other comes. It depends on you. If you feel more in tune with love, then love is your path -- the path of the devotee, BHAKTA. If you feel more in tune with awareness, then the path of meditation, DHYANA. These are the only basic paths, all other paths are combinations of these two. If love grows, you will become more and more aware at every moment of it. The higher it will go, the higher will become your insight into things.
THANKING YOU IS NEVER ADEQUATE AT THAT MOMENT. It cannot be, and there is no need. In fact, many times when we say thank you, we don't mean it. Somebody passes salt at the table and you say thank you, do you mean it? You don't mean it, it is just formality. Between a Master and a disciple there is no formality, there is no need. I am not passing salt to you.
'Thank you' is a Western mannerism. In the East it is almost impossible. I have never thanked my father -- I cannot. How can I thank my father? I have not thanked my mother. I have everything to thank her for, but I have not thanked her. How can I? It would be too inadequate, it would be too embarrassing, even to say thank you. It would be too formal, it would lack love. It is better to keep silent about it. She understands.
Between a Master and a disciple there is no formality possible; all formality will be always inadequate. But there is no need. I understand, Kul Bhushan. I can see your heart, full of gratitude. Only in silence can it be said. It can be said without saying it. If you try to say it, it will never look right.